The Early Years: Selected Works, Part II

Only Mel Brooks gets away with creating a Part I and not following it up with anything! This will be the last entry of its kind though, I promise. Unless of course I get ambitious and scan the collage. I have no earthly idea how collage-making is a skill applicable to my command of the English language, but I’m no educator.

Today’s passage appears to be a response to a prompt along the lines of “If you had an entire year to search for one thing, what would it be?” You may think I’m putting to use the critical reading skills I learned while making collages, but I think you’ll wise up when you read the first sentence. Subtlety, it seems, was not my strong point. Nor, for that matter, was grammar. No, if this little tale is any indication, overdosing on old movies and TV shows was my strong suit. I’m still trying to figure out how I knew who Rod Serling was back then. I’ve left all errors intact, so as to truly bring The Funny. Without further ado, I give you…the promised Funny.

It’s Kinda Confusing…

Hmmm… If I had an entire year to search for one thing, what would it be? The lost city of Atlantis? No, too much water. The Loch Ness Monster? Bigfoot? Ghosts? Too scary. This is frustrating. I’ve got to find and idea! Waitaminnit. I know! I’ll search for an idea for this assignment! Glad I thought of it. I’m going to step out of present tense narrative for a while and let the story develop.
But be warned… I’ll be back at the end!!

It all started an average day at school. I was practicing sleeping and acting like I was awake when I realized I needed more practice. I was awake and acting like I was sleeping. I opened my eyes and started paying attention as the teacher was telling us we needed to write a piece talking about what we would search for if we had an entire year to do so.
Later that day as I walked from school, I noticed A kid from our class in a scuba suit. I remember thinking this was odd, as we had just gotten out of February.
He took off his breathing mask.
“I’m going to Scotland. Loch Ness monster,” he said, apparently talking about his writing assignment. I decided to put less caffeine in my diet.

Later, I was home, staring at a blank piece of paper. I had no idea what I was going to write about. It was like I was in a homework paradox.
Suddenly That guy that used to host the “Twilight Zone”, Rod Serling, all in scratchy TV black-and-white and holding a cigarette stepped into the room, talking to the far wall. “This is another kid stuck on a writing assignment. Unwittingly, he has stepped into… the Homework Zone!”
Creepy music came out of nowhere. I closed my eyes and counted to ten, hoping it would all go away. I never got the chance to find out if he left my house, because I wasn’t there anymore.
I was in the jungle.
In front of a big jungle temple, actually. “I’m not going in,” I said, hoping really hard I was right.
“Why not?” Said a voice behind me. I turned around and saw a guy that looked like Indiana Jones. “Who are you?” I asked. “I’m Indiana Jones,” he said. I was about To ask him if they missed him at the meNtal ward, but who’s crazier; the guy who thinks he’s Indiana Jones or the kid sitting in the jungle talking to him?
I’d have to think about that one.
Suddenly little poison darts came out of the walls. Indiana Jones charged into the temple. I didn’t want a dead crazy guy on my hands, so I followed him.
It was totally dark inside. I followed the sound of footsteps. Abruptly, they stopped. I ran to catch up-and fell through a trap door. I landed right next to Indiana Jones.
He helped me up and the ground started shaking. I turned around and saw a big boulder rolling towards us like something out of – well – Indiana Jones And The Temple Of Doom. I got out of the way back into total darkness.
Suddenly, I was in some casino or something next to a guy in a penguin suit.
“Do I dare ask who you are?” I said, even though I has a pretty good guess already.
“Bond,” he said, “James Bond.”
“That’s what I thought.” I muttered.
“I’m not anywhere near Sanford, Am I? Because I’ve got this writing homework due-”
“Maine?” I think I’ll have to take you in for questioning,” James Bond said. He took me outside to a Junky-looking BMW, but that junky look didn’t fool me one bit. I’d seen enough of the movies.
He tossed me in the back and started driving. I looked up and saw an old armored car, window open and a rifle peeked out and started shooting.
I had had enough. I opened the car door and jumped out. Another old car drove over and I got pulled in. It was being driven by a guy in a yellow suit.
I glanced at a dashboard calendar. It had been exactly a year since I sat down with my homework. All this time, I’d been searching for an idea –
Suddenly the guy’s watch went off.
“Calling Dick Tracy, calling Dick Tracy!” He quietly talked into it for a moment and handed the watch to me. “It’s for you,” he said.
It was my teacher. This was getting too weird. I jumped out of the car – and landed on my sofa at home, in front of the paper you just read. I had found my Idea.

Teacher says: 6 Superb! You have a wonderful gift for writing!

I’m not sure how good a 6 is in terms of, you know, real grades, but it can’t be that bad if the crazy old bird is calling it “superb.” Now, as for why she would do such a thing - this perplexes me.